You're not ready for the world outside You keep pretending, but you just can't hide I know I said that I'd be standing by your side, but I . . .
Your path's unbeaten, and it's all uphill And you can meet it, but you never will And I'm the reason that you're standing still, but I . . .
I wish I could say the right words To lead you through this land Wish I could play the lover and take you by the hand Wish I could stay here But now I understand I'm standing in the way
The cries around you, you don't hear at all 'Cause you know I'm here to take that call So you just lie there when you should be standing tall But I . . .
I wish I could lay your arms down And let you rest at last Wish I could slay your demons But now that time has past Wish I could stay here Your stalwart, standing fast But I'm standing in the way I'm just standing in the way
Believe me I don't want to go And it'll grieve me 'cause I love you so We both know . . .
Wish I could say the right words to lead you through this land Wish I could play the lover and take you by the hand Wish I could stay . . .
Things aren't going as well as they should be, I believe. I feel as though I've slacked off from some things..well that's how everyone makes it seem. I see it as prioritizing. And prioritizing got me an A in AP Econ that I'm holding on tight to. I'm not really going to apologize for putting my school work before other menial tasks that I have to complete. -shrug-
I've noticed changes. I don't if it's everyone else, or just me, or everyone all together who is changing. But I don't believe that people change. My group of truthworthy friends is quickly shrinking.
Mulder was right. Trust no one.
Friendship are one thing that I don't put anything in front of. My friendships mean more to me than anything. I put a lot of myself into my friends, because I love all of them. I would move worlds for my friends (I hope they know that). My friends, they know who they are. If you pay attention, you can tell how I feel about you by how I look you in the eyes. I wouldn't bother trying to read your mind if I didn't care. Unless I was fuckin with ya.
Losing close friends..is devastating. I guess I'm used to it though. Loving, leaving.
My faith in love is fleeting again...I hate that. I hate losing faith in something I feel so powerfully...the one thing that can make me doubt myself so entirely.
You won't be surprised to learn that that certain faith isn't in the person one would think it should be.
I was thinking about someone the other day. In depth. For the first time in a while. I actually debating with myself the pros and cons of calling them.
And then a young boy ran into my line of vision from out of no where. With a lacrosse stick.
-smiles- He plays lacrosse. So I called him to tell him that I thought of him while watching this little boy.
He scolded me for thinking of him that way. "I'm no some preppy, white boy. I don't want you to think that was of me."
Just like he doesn't want me to thing he's a slut. Or a drunk. He doesn't want me to think anything bad of him. I don't really know why.
My heart is pounding. I wish it would stop.
It should yearn for something it can't have. I shouldn't.
I don't know if he ever really loved me to begin with. I don't know.
I have a secret. When I'm at home alone. And I'm bored and it's too quiet in the house. I sing very loudly the chorus from this horrible emo song.
"I can't live anymore. My face is on the fucking floor. Faithless, emotions running wild. How many times will I face this denial?"
It makes me smile. _____________________________________
[edit] I changed my mind when I took a moment to reflect and open my heart.
I must confess. I've found myself angry as of late. Angry at someone for not being true to themself. Angry at myself for believing in them.
I'm aware that it's not very nice of me. Putting it out there like that - my growing lack of faith in a person. But, in all honesty, I feel justified - but the treatment of my love and care has not been just. It's fucking brutal, man.
I truly don't know what to do about it --- Ignore it. Confront it. Find a way around it. Joke through it. I've tried all those things. And the result was an increase in the supply of anger and a decreased demand for their company.
Yeah. Can I gloat about my grade in AP Economics for a moment. I'll give you a hint. The letter is included in "AP".
Anyway. Back to my point. ..If I even really had one. I guess there really isn't one.
Too much heartache to continue on caring so much.
The one person who can break down every wall I have ever put up - who can take in my thoughts and feelings by just looking in my eyes. Doesn't bother herself any longer.
Yeah. It hurts. And just causes me to put up more walls.
You have to caution yourself with who you trust. In the past I only put my full, unfaltering trust in two people. And one betrayed that trust.
Yeah. I'm angry. But I'll get over it. I won't hold any hard feelings. I won't ignore it so that I can feel better about myself.
Am I being an asshole? Not really, I don't think.
It's the truth. It's honest.
If you can't handle honesty, then you made a mistake in picking your friend.
When do people finally start taking responsibility for themselves?
When does it stop being about self-pity and attention and start being about self-empowerment and loving?
When do people finally grow up and stop blaming their problems on everyone under the sun, but themselves?
When do people start accepting the consequences for the choices that they fucking make?
When do people stop pretending to be someone who they're not?
When do people realize that their friends love them for who they are, not for who the try to be?
When do people realize who their real friends are and fucking hold on to them, instead of letting them drift away?
When do people stop pretending?
When do people get a clue?
When will you fucking people get a fucking grip on yourselves and your goddamn lives?
It's sad. It's really fucking sad. That so many people are so lost and out of touch with the person who they really are.
When do we get to sit back and fucking relax for a second, not having to worry about which one of our friends will stab us in our goddamn backs next?
You think you know who your friends are. You think you know who would do anything for you. Who loves you no matter what.
And then you get hit with it.
You get hit with the inevitable "SIKE, YOU STUPID FUCK. YOU FELL FOR IT."
This has probably happened to all of us at some point or another.
Well, at least. It's happened to those of us who place trust and love into who we thought were our real friends.
For those of you who don't care enough about the people around you or don't have the attention span to be affected by any human emotion: This does not apply to you.
I'm just so sick of it. Eighteen years and I'm still having to protect myself against people who claim to be my friend, but really couldn't give a flying fuck about me. Eighteen years and I'm still watching other people do it to each other. And I'm just dumbfounded.
I don't know if it's just that this area breeds pompous assholes who have no regard for anyone but themselves. Or if I'm just too sensitive to the inhumane ways of people these days.
I get that some of you don't need a friend inside your la-la land head. But don't fucking drag the innocent people with lives into it if you're just going to play pretend and hurt them.
So. Christmas has been awesome so far. Oh yes. Wanna know what I got? No? Well, too fucking bad because I'ma tell you anyway.
Let's see.
+A model 1967 Pontiac GTO- Triple X edition (From David) +30G iPod +1st Season of Bones +Brown patched Converse +Black and silvery striped dress shirt +Red striped corset +Hot pink bath robe (softest thing ever) +Pink fuztzy blanket with monkeys on it (second softest thing ever) +Jeans with attached suspenders +Grey and black plaidish dress pants +Black silky dress shirt +Soft pink scraf with a girly skull +Long brown sweater jacket +Black girly military inspired jacket +Legend of Spyro for Nintendo DS +Gorgeous ring +Cross earrings +Star shaped deck of cards +$15 card for iTunes +Mascara +New Venus Razor +Bikini Razors +Pencils +Cotton Swabs made specially for putting on and removing make up
That's about it.
Besides the car that I'm getting in the next month. -smiles-
I hope you guys have had an amazing Christmas. Much love to you all. <3333333333333333333333333333333
I weaseled my way out of going to school today. I'm having an allergic reaction of some sort. Probably to being home. I liked Charleston so much. It reminded me of Newnan. I need to go back to Georgia.
I talked to an old friend from Georgia the other day. She asked me what was up with using "Lexi" as my nickname. She said I would always be "AJ" to her. And then I remembered how much I liked AJ more than Lexi. Lexi is such a slutty name.
Anyway. I'm not really feeling that bad. Killer headache, though. I'm just too stressed.
I decided that today would be used to catch up on all the work I should have done already on my SIP. I don't even have one fully written section of it. I'm just lacking inspiration to write like mad.
I also have to do serious studying for the AP Economics test I missed on Wednesday. I'm sure I'll have to take it tomorrow. I have a B in that class right now. I'm determined to keep it that way.
Other than that...I don't know.
I had a lot of time to think on that eight hour car ride, to and fro.
I realized how much I miss someone. It's pathetic of me.
I also realized how much I miss two other someones. We've lost touch over the past few months... But I guess I haven't really made any effort... I keep meaning to write letters, but my pens are always too focused on the graded work.
I don't know if I'm handling senior year very well... I'm more stressed than I've ever been. I'm surprised my hair isn't falling out. But I have been get sick a lot more often.
There's just nothing that consistently good about it. Except for Elise and Katy and my man-crew. Minus the one who should be the best man....You understand?
I'm trying. I'm hoping my pathetic tendencies are just getting in the way of the greatness I have. But even now I'm starting to doubt that.
Coffee is ready. And I need to lose myself to my pen for a while. I need to get shit done.
Last night I dreamt of a birthday party of mine. I was in a strange neighborhood, in a strange house. There was an amusement park nearby. I was surrounded by strange faces on this birthday of mine. Except for my mother and my uncle. And a boy. The reoccuring type boy. Silver light.
I was alone on a bench. It was green. There was a park in front of me, but no children. Silver light sat down next to me, staring straight ahead, and turned to face me. He turned his head the way he alwasys does. He asked why I was alone on my birthday. I told him that guests had not yet arrived.
He said, "I'm here."
I told him he was not my guest. --He agreed. He flashed his crooked smile. And said he'd leave. I told him not to go. My eyes were on the most beautifully colored autumn leaf. On the ground.
He sat back down. Turning his whole body to face me. He tilted his head.
"I wish you'd look at me sometimes."
I told him that it had been much longer since he'd looked at me. --- -- He agreed.
Then. He said. My name.
I looked at him. He looked away. His eyes burned into the green bench under him. His crooked smile hadn't yet left his lips. But it had grown a bit wider...
I turned my body toward his and rested my elbow on the back of the bench, holding my head with my hand. I noticed he was wearing the wrist band I bought him a year ago.
He reached out to me. He enveloped my left hand. With his right hand. He held our hands between us.
Our hands were interlaced.
He was smiling that smile. The one he reserves for true happiness.
I cried.
I told him I hadn't seen him smile so widely in a long time.
He told me that he hadn't had a reason to in a long time.
He leaned closer to me. Our hands still intertwined.
He put his forehead to mine.
Silver light sang. Grasp our hands together, we feel we are one result.
The wind blew.
My guests were arriving.
He was fighting back tears. I whispered that he didn't have to go. I heard my mother ask what he was doing there.
I told him not to go. A tear fell from the corner of his deep, brown eyes.
The wind blew.
Our hands were still entwined.
I woke up. I'd like to know how that story ends. (How our story ends) Or if it already has...
Sing by this light, sweet silver light. Sing by this light, my light. Sing silver light. There are no certainties in this light. Star shines are my light. Sing for me, silver light.
The worst part of not having my laptop repaired yet - I'm missing half of my amazing music collection.
I've neglected updating this journal for quite some time. I've had other things to do. Things. Some of them were good. I'm having those nostalgic feelings.
I took a drive down to my old neighborhood last weekend. It looked exactly the same. With the dead trees. And the barely-hanging-on-to-life trees. I saw my old apartment. Someone else lives in it now. But I don't like thinking about that. I have been thinking about the past though. A few weeks ago, that lovely (and by lovely, I mean fucking horrible)invention, Facebook, reminded me of a relationship of the winter. And an uncomfortable feeling of attempts at friendliness and obvious complication. That same uncomfortable feeling carried on into a flesh encounter. My boyfriend was there. The only discomfort was that of my ex. Sometimes I wonder if I ever really did love him. Silly fucking 15 year olds.
I'm hoping this winter isn't filled with heartache. I haven't had a good winter since..you know. I believe things are well. If only we didn't always fight.
Two tempers. Two guarded hearts. We can make this work, right?
He says he's going to marry me one day.
I don't know if I believe him.
But we'll see, right? .... .. . ... . . .Right?
As for everything else. Well. I'm ready to get out of this fucking town. Too many liars. Too many people who don't even know who they are. They're your friend one minute, and the next they bad mouth you when the audience suits them. And they have nerve to speak of "immature middle school bullshit". But let them do as they please.
I'd like to find some real friends. More than just the select few that I do have. I'd like to find some real people. I miss my best friend. I told her to move up here for college. I need her.
I need sleep. And healing. I need someone to rub my back. Goodnight.
Life is bigger It's bigger than you And you are not me The lengths that I will go to The distance in your eyes
Oh, no. I've said too much.. I set it up.
That's me in the corner That's me in the spotlight Losing my religion Trying to keep up with you And I don't know if I can do it Oh, no. I've said too much.. I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you sing I think I thought I saw you try
Every whisper Of every waking hour I'm choosing my confessions Trying to keep on eye on you Like a hurt, lost, and blinded fool Oh, no. I've said too much. I set it up
Consider this, consider this The hint of the century Consider this The slip that brought me to my knees failed What if all these fantasies come failing around Now I've said too much..
I thought that I head you laughing I thought that I heard you sing I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream That was just dream
That's me in the corner That's me in the spotlight Losing my religion Trying to keep up with you And I don't know if I can do it Oh, no. I've said too much.. I havent said enough.
I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you sing I think I thought I saw you try
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singsilverlight's journal
irritated
disappointed
okay
-shrug-
I'm pissed.
tired
chipper
Smile.
No certainties in this light
amused
crappy